


Painless, Pleasureless And Bored Out Of My Skull

by masterofpuppies



Category: LeATHERMØUTH, My Chemical Romance, frnkiero andthe cellabration
Genre: Depression, Illness, M/M, Physical Abuse, Rape, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-24 07:16:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4910197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterofpuppies/pseuds/masterofpuppies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank can't feel. And that's it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Painless, Pleasureless And Bored Out Of My Skull

Frank can't feel. He can't experience pain or pleasure. And that's just how it is for him.

He's had broken bones, third degree burns, the lot. And he's never felt an ounce of pain. Also, you wouldn't believe how much times he's had sex, desperately trying to feel something good for once in his shitty life.

He can experience emotions, obviously. He can be happy, sad, whatever. Most of the time, he's depressed. But he feels selfish when he thinks about suicide, so he always ends up deciding against it and cuts his wrists out of boredom. It's not like he's hurting himself. He can't feel pain, remember?

Music used to be his outlet. He used to play guitar in a band with his best friend, John McGuire. Or 'Hambone' as everyone called him. He always made sure Frank was okay. Even throughout high school, when Frank got his ass beat for being gay, Hambone would make sure that he didn't have a fractured skull because Frank wouldn't be able to feel it. He'd just be dizzy.

Now, Frank's outlet was painting. Not with paint, of course. With the blood he collected from his wrists. He'd slit the fleshy part of his arm, ensuring that he never got a vein, and let the blood drip into a tub. Afterwards, he'd grab a fine brush and paint words onto a white canvas.

His latest work was one he liked to call 'Boredom'. On the paper, it read a small paragraph of words, saying,

_'Take away the big, bad world and take away my senses. Fill this glass with pitiful blood and beat me fucking senseless.'_

Looking at his art, Frank sighed. He used to be cheerful. Now, with no friends or family around after he moved to LA, Frank was alone and living in a crappy apartment. He didn't even have a dog. He didn't want to get a dog just to have it deal with his depressing attitude.

No dog needed that.

His family didn't even want to put up with him, never mind a pet. He had been put in a foster home when he was twelve after his mom found out that his step-father was raping him every night.

She didn't care about how Frank felt.

 _"I thought you couldn't feel pain? You're fine! Stop being a baby about this!"_ She had screamed.

Because according to her, rape doesn't mentally damage people. Even if you're a twelve year-old boy who's biological father died three years after his son was born.

Yeah, Frank's life was messed up. Oh, well. No point in crying over spilled milk, right?

If Frank had a penny for every time he'd said that to himself.

"Time for work." He muttered to himself, re-adjusting his belt.

He wiped his arm clean and rolled his long, black sleeve down to his wrist before he left his house and walked to work.

* * *

It wasn't a bad job. But it wasn't very fun. All he did was work in the local record store, recommending local bands to teenagers and listening to his old band's music.

He lifted his head up to see a tall man standing in front of him. Pulling his earphones out, Frank put on a fake smile.

"Hi, how can I help you?" He greeted and the man squeaked a little.

"Are you the guy from 'leATHERMOUTH'?" The man asked.

Frank's smile became genuine, which the man seemed to notice.

"Yeah. You like us?" Frank replied.

"Ohmygod, of course I do! I love you guys!" The man claimed.

Frank giggled a little. This guy was kind of cool.

"Cool. It's nice to meet you." Frank said and held his hand out for the man to shake.

"Woah, your hands are rough. And by the way, I love your tattoos." The man flirted, "I'm Gerard, by the way."

"Thanks..." Frank blushed, "I'm Frank. But you can call me Frankie."

"Awesome." Gerard replied, "Anyway, I was looking for the 'XO' album. Are there any vinyl versions?"

 _'Oh god, this guy listens to vinyls. That's kind of amazing.'_ Frank thought.

"Uh, yeah. Th-There's one here actually. It's usually twenty dollars but you can have it for free." He offered.

"How about this... I'll take it for free if you come to dinner with me tonight at seven." Gerard suggested, a hand on his hip.

"O-Okay." Frank stuttered.

"Cool. D'you mind if I hang around here until then? I don't want to leave. Also, we can get to know eachother that way." Gerard asked and Frank felt his chest flutter a little.

 _'That's a first.'_ He thought and his visibly frowned to himself for a moment. He's never felt that before.

"Yeah! I'd like that. You can come and sit back here." He said and Gerard grinned excitedly, rushing round to sit with Frank.

They began to chat for a while and Frank felt himself grow happier over the hours, forgetting about the scars on his wrist for a while. 

Leaving for dinner, he took Gerard's hand and kissed the man's cheek.

He was actually excited for the first time in years.

* * *

 

After a fantastic vegan dinner with Gerard, Frank had been driven home and Gerard walked him into the apartment building and to his door.

"Can I come in?" He asked, not letting go of Frank's hand.

"Yeah, sure." Frank said and unlocked the door.

Straight away, Gerard's lips were on Frank's as he shoved him against the wall. Shocked, Frank let out a small squeak and his mouth fell open, which Gerard took as an invitation to shove his tongue into Frank's mouth.

Without complaint, Frank kissed back as Gerard gripped his torso, fingers digging into his ribs.

Moments later, Gerard had pulled off and looked around the room, his eyes landing on the blood-covered canvas.

"Is that paint?" He asked, approaching the painting.

Frank had told Gerard he was an artist and Gerard said that he was too. But Frank never mentioned that he painted with blood. 

_'Now's as good a time as any.'_ He decided.

"No, it's my own blood. I cut myself a lot. It makes me feel better." Frank admitted and Gerard looked a little shocked.

"Doesn't it hurt?" He asked, fingers running along the dried blood on the paper.

"Not at all. I can't feel pain. Or pleasure, for that matter. Sex is boring for me." Frank spoke, still standing against the wall.

"Do you have a defective nervous system or something?"

"Yeah." Frank sighed and walked over to Gerard, holding him by the waist.

"These words are... Powerful." Gerard complimented and turned around, kissing Frank again, "Can I at least _try_ to make you feel good?"

"You can try... But I doubt you'll succeed."

Suddenly, he was being pushed into the bedroom and thrown onto the bed, Gerard tearing his clothes off.

"I'm really strong." Gerard explained when Frank's eyes widened.

"Yeah? Prove it." Frank encouraged, his eyes dark.

His heart was beating fast in his chest as Gerard pulled his own garments off. Soon, both men were left in their boxers, Gerard crawling over Frank and biting at his neck. And Frank swore that when Gerard ground his hips down against Frank's, he felt pleasure shoot through his dick.

"Jesus..." He hissed.

That was weird.

"What?" Gerard asked, rolling his hips down.

"I-It feels _good_." Frank spoke, the surprise evident in his tone.

"Yeah? You ever felt that before?"

"No! This is the first- Oh, god... The first time I've ever felt _anything_." Frank breathed and tossed his head back, moaning when Gerard bit at his throat.

"So pretty. Love these tattoos." He murmured and reached down to pull his cock from his boxers.

He sat back on his heels, watching Frank put this hand into his own boxers and let out a loud groan, his eyebrows knotting together.

"My fucking- Jesus Christ, my hands are rough as fuck... Feels so good..." 

Gerard smirked as Frank jacked himself off. He looked like a virgin. He even sounded like one.

"You're telling me. D'you top or bottom?" Gerard asked.

"C-Can I bottom for now?" Frank replied, almost desperately.

He'd jerked off before. He does it every day. But he's never felt it. He didn't even know how _hair_ felt, never mind his hand on his dick. 

Gerard hadn't said anything, so Frank got a bit of a shock when his boxers were being yanked off and thrown aside, a mouth on his dick seconds later.

"Oh, dear fucking Lord Almighty!" He cried.

Gerard's mouth was so wet and warm and tight. He couldn't fucking handle this. Especially when Gerard was working his tongue around Frank's tip.

"Hurry up and fuck me. I can't come like this." Frank urged.

Gerard quickly pulled off, sucking on his own fingers for a moment before pushing two into Frank.

"I don't need prep, you fucking asshole. I need to feel it. The good and the bad." Frank whined.

"I don't think you'll feel a lot of pain," Gerard spoke, "You're not a virgin, remember?"

Frank would be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed by that. He wanted it to hurt.

"Well, be as rough as you can." He ordered and Gerard smiled.

"You got it."

His fingers pulling out of Frank, Gerard didn't hesitate to push his cock into Frank, not bothering to be slow. Not holding back, he began thrusting at a relentless pace, almost out of breath already.

He looked down to see tears streaming down Frank's face as the man moaned.

"A-Are you okay?" Gerard stuttered, slowing his hips.

"I'm fine. Keep going." Frank said, wiping his face.

"Am I hurting you? I can stop."

"Oh, fuck off!" Frank snapped and pulled his leg up, kicking Gerard away and feeling empty.

Tumbling off of the bed, Gerard growled.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He cried, holding his hurt shoulder.

Sitting up in the bed and shuffling back, Frank pulled his knees up and buried his face in them.

"You couldn't just keep going, could you?" He sobbed quietly, "I would've been fine. It felt _good_. And now I can't get that again!"

He sat up and tried jerking off, seeing if he could feel the same sensation as earlier. But as usual, he felt nothing. Frustrated, he snatched the lamp off of the chest of  drawers next to the bed and threw it at Gerard, screaming.

"What the fuck!?!" Gerard yelled, dodging the lamp and jumping onto the bed, "What was that for?"

Frank felt the man's hands grasp his ankles as he was pulled toward Gerard. He tried kicking and wriggling away but Gerard really was strong and Frank was so close to having another flashback.

"Get off!"

Gerard flipped Frank over onto his stomach and grabbed onto his hips, pulling him up so that he was sitting in Gerard's lap and facing away from him.

"Please, Gerard. Please, don't do this. We can try another time, just please don't do this!" Frank tried, wishing Gerard would stop.

"Shh, Frankie. It's okay. I'll help you feel good again." Gerard cooed, stroking Frank's long, brown hair before positioning his cock at Frank's entrance.

Pulling Frank's hips down slowly, Gerard let out a shaky breath. He felt Frank squirm in his lap, trying to get out of Gerard's arms and failing.

"Gerard, please. It feels bad!" He whimpered.

All Frank could feel was twinges of pain shooting up his spine as Gerard fucked up into him. He felt Gerard's hand come down to wrap around his dick and jack him off.

"Gerard, no... Please, I don't want this to be the first time I feel this..." He pleaded.

But no matter how hard he tried, Frank couldn't stop his hips from bucking up, his dick sliding in Gerard's hand. It felt amazing, it really did. And Gerard was hitting his prostate dead-on but this would be a bad memory and Frank didn't want to associate Gerard with bad memories.

"You're so tight, Frank. Do I feel good for you?" Gerard asked, kissing Frank's neck.

Reluctantly, Frank nodded. He wasn't lying but he didn't want to encourage Gerard.

"You do... But I don't like this." He spoke, bouncing in Gerard's lap.

"Are you sure about that, Frank?" Gerard giggled, tightening his grip on Frank's cock, "You sound like you are. I love your noises."

Frank was moaning. He couldn't help it. But he was being raped, wasn't he?

He'd been raped before. But he didn't enjoy that. He _was_ , however, enjoying this. It did feel really fucking good and he was pushing his hips down onto Gerard's dick, feeling the man pound into him from below.

"Oh, baby..." He groaned and leaned backwards, arching his spine and reaching back to grab Gerard's hair.

He was riding Gerard harder than he'd ever rode anyone and he may not have consented to this at first, but he was now. He couldn't deny the fact that this was the best time of his life.

He could feel pleasure everywhere. There wasn't any pain anymore, just the sweet slide of Gerard inside of him and his hand around Frank's member.

"I'm close..." Frank warned and Gerard thrust his hips up faster, his hand moving quickly on Frank's dick.

With a loud gasp, Frank came all over the bedsheets and fell forward, landing on his hands and knees. Gerard was quick to grab his hips and fuck into him once again.

"So... So good." Frank encouraged.

He could tell by Gerard's shallow breaths that he was close and Frank was eager to make the man come.

To Frank's delight, Gerard came seconds later, pulling out and collapsing on the bed. Frank did the same, curling up into a ball and shivering.

 _'What the fuck just happened?'_ He thought to himself and fell asleep, feeling cold and alone.

Gerard didn't leave, he only pulled the cover up over both of them and patted Frank's hair. 

Maybe he could make it up to Frank. Maybe he wouldn't bother. But for now, he was falling asleep, the memories already fading.

* * *

 

His eyes fluttering open, Gerard was woken by Frank shaking his shoulders.

"Gerard, c'mon. We gotta talk." Frank persisted, "I have to explain last night."

"'M up! Goddamn." Gerard mumbled grouchily as he sat up, "What is it?"

Sitting back on his heels, Frank bit his nails as Gerard rubbed his eyes.

"Well, uh... Y'know when I was crying?" Frank said feebly, his voice small.

"Yeah?"

"I can't exactly tell you why right now, but I can tell you that it's to do with... With abuse." Frank told Gerard, searching his face to find any trace of expression.

"O-Okay..." Gerard frowned.

Frank wasn't making a lot of sense.

"It's just... Last night, you basically raped me, right? But before that, I was crying because you were being rough and that made me remember some things." Frank explained.

Gerard was still confused.

"I raped you?" He asked, not remembering that part.

"Yeah, I kept asking you to stop and you wouldn't. Eventually, I gave in but still... I don't know if I can talk to you again." Frank said, lowering his gaze, "Especially if the first night we met, you fucked me by force."

"Oh." Was all Gerard could manage.

"So, uh... You can leave now." Frank muttered, his arms wrapped around himself, keeping him safe.

"O-Okay."

Getting up to put his clothes on, Gerard avoided Frank's gaze, feeling slightly ashamed. He didn't know what had came over him. He didn't want to rape Frank. He liked Frank.

"Frank?" Gerard asked, "Could we try and s-start again?"

He met Frank's eyes, his own ones wide and pleading.

"I guess." Frank shrugged, wrapping the covers around his body.

He didn't like being naked right now. He wished he had something else to cover him. He felt so exposed and dirty.

"Cool. I'll drop by tonight. See ya, Frank." Gerard smiled and left.

Frank had a bad feeling about this. A really, really bad feeling.

* * *

 

As the weeks went by, Frank and Gerard grew closer, their relationship strong. They even moved in together. The only problem was that Frank seemed to have awoken a dark side of Gerard. The man always seemed angry and would take his problems out on Frank, beating him nightly and raping him afterwards.

Gerard had went back to alcoholism too. He loved Frank so much and he didn't understand why he kept hurting him the way he did. He was turning into a monster.

Frank always said that it was okay, that he couldn't feel the pain anyway. But didn't that mean that he couldn't feel anything? That Gerard wasn't the one that could make him feel alive?

This is what made Gerard so mad. This was why he left Frank with broken bones and bruises every night. This was Frank's fault, not his.

"C'mere, Frank." Gerard slurred, throwing yet another empty can of beer aside, "Come sit in daddy's lap."

Limping his way over to Gerard, Frank kept his head down, not wanting to see Gerard's glassy, drunken eyes. Straddling Gerard, he buried his face in the man's shoulder.

"Hi, daddy." He spoke, wincing at his words.

Gerard had made Frank call him that in bed and it became a thing for him. He seemed to like having a sense of power.

Frank hated calling Gerard that. He hated it because that's what his step-father made him say. And now, that's who Gerard reminded Frank of. His drunken, abusive step-father that Gerard still didn't know about. Who Gerard had become.

But Frank couldn't leave him. Gerard brought his senses to life. Even if it was just pain, Frank needed to feel. He deserved it anyway, right? After all, he had missed out on all the pain before.

"You gonna suck daddy off, baby?" Gerard said, grinding his dick up against Frank's ass, which was only covered by boxers.

"Okay." Frank whimpered and slid off of Gerard, onto his knees.

He felt tears roll down his broken cheekbone as he unzipped Gerard's jeans and pulled the man's cock out.

"So big, daddy..." He hummed, trying to sound aroused.

Gerard didn't seem to care for Frank's words as he pushed his lips onto his cock and pushed the man's head down, letting him gag and choke around him.

Frank couldn't breathe. Gerard wouldn't let up and Frank's nose was blocked with congealed blood from when Gerard punched him. Feeling himself become dizzy, Frank's eyes slipped shut as he blacked out.

"Oh, yeah... Good boy." Gerard praised to the unconscious man, feeling Frank's throat relax around his dick.

Aware that Frank had passed out, Gerard put a hand in his hair and fucked his mouth, moaning as he did so. Frank was so much better at giving head when he wasn't awake to resist it.

Already close, Gerard felt Frank's jaw twitch before teeth scraped his shaft.

"You little fuckin' whore!" Gerard snarled, shoving Frank off of him.

Coming to, Frank felt his back connect with the floor before Gerard was straddling his waist and throwing blows at his face.

Frank seriously wished that he couldn't feel pain again because Gerard was strong from the start and had become stronger with manhandling Frank every day.

"Stupid! Fucking! Bitch!" Gerard snarled as he continued to punch Frank.

A voice in the back of his head was telling him to stop, but the drunken voice was encouraging him to keep going, telling him that Frank deserved this.

"I'm sorry, Ron!" Frank cried and covered his face, "I'll be good, daddy!"

Gerard brought his fists to a halt as he sat up.

"Who's Ron? Are you fuckin' cheating on me?" He spat, standing up and lifting Frank off of the ground.

"No! It's my..." Frank paused.

Was he ready to tell Gerard? Maybe Gerard would stop hitting him if he did.

"It's my step-dad. He abused me when I was a kid..." He admitted.

Gerard's expression softened as he took Frank's hand and sat him on the sofa.

"What... What did he do?" Gerard asked.

"He hit me and raped me and made me call him 'daddy'..." Frank answered, beginning to cry again.

"No, Frank..." Gerard spoke, ashamed, "That's me."

"No, h-he did it too."

Gerard's realization hit him like a ton of bricks.

He was like an abusive father. He was a pathetic, perverted drunk that hit the man he loved.

Oh, god. He loved Frank. He didn't even know it until now.

Who the fuck was he anymore? Why did he do this?

"I love you." Gerard professed, his voice quiet but his words strong.

"I l-" Frank stopped himself.

He loved Gerard, right? No, he didn't. He was terrified of Gerard. He hated Gerard. He despised Gerard. But if he didn't say 'I love you' back, Gerard would probably hit him again. He'd probably bash into him worse than ever.

"I love y-" Frank began, but Gerard quickly interrupted him.

"No, Frank. You don't. And that's okay. Just... Kiss me one last time?" Gerard asked, although his eyes seemed to beg for it.

Frank suddenly remembered why he had fell for Gerard in the first place.

He did love him. Of course he did. He loved this part of him. And he could admit that.

"I love you." He smiled and pressed his lips to Gerard's sweetly.

After sharing one last kiss with Frank, Gerard got up and left. He wasn't drunk anymore, but he let Frank think he was. It might hurt him less that way.

It might hurt them both less that way.

But Gerard was too far gone and as soon as he got out of the building, he waited for the next car to drive by.

He looked back to see Frank watching him from the window, looking scared and pleading.

 _"Please don't."_ Frank mouthed.

As a car approached, going about 50mph, Gerard smiled at Frank and turned back, running onto the road.

The last thing he heard was Frank's familiar scream of,

_"GERARD, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS!"_

And Gerard knew he had made the right decision as the car crashed into his side.


End file.
